If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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