Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
