she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
