this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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