someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Enjoy the penises
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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