Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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