the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize