Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
