i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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