i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
