is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
