a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
