i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
