I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
