i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
