I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
