An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
