DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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