u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
