dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
