I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did I show you my penis last night?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
