I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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