there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
