the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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