I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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