i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
