He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
