oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
