Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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