I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
