Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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