some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
