i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
