I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
