between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize