he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
