if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Randomize
