think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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