I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize