Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
