i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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