Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
