wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize