Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
