it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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