The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
