Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
false alarm, still single
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