where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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