My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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