At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
