Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
