pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize