She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
