You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
