dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
