HIV tests are more positive than that guy
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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