Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
