Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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